Theme

Can’t stand people who let liquor do their talking- it’s 2014, there’s a lot of dignified ways to handle one’s alcohol.
People who still use alcohol as an excuse- stop drinking.

Rant over.

Hasl-e-zindagi hasraton kay siva kuch bhi nahin.
Dazed & Confused

 

I am tired of constantly finding myself in a state of emotional abyss. I find myself unable to intellectualize my way out. I can rationalize all I want but at the end of the day its just me talking to myself and desperately clinging to any reason I can find. I don’t want in and I don’t want out, either. I can’t find it in myself to take part in meaningless banter. I can’t spend another day having the same circular, rudimentary, ill-informed discussions where I hear yet another so called liberal regurgitate opinions they’ve read off the internet. Why is everyone around me becoming insufficient? I can feel myself beingpulled yanked deeper into this way of life; all I need to do is nod and agree. 

Ill have a useless medical degree, three children and have my days and nights spent listening to a man drone about upper middle class existence. Im not being ungrateful, Im not saying I won’t find joy in marriage, family and all that eternal companionship bullshit. I will. But I want to be able to have conversations about thoughts and ideas. I want to be a practicing muslim and still appreciate that sexuality is a spectrum. I want to know that I have made a difference. That I have some how had a chance to make my mark. I can’t die being someone’s wife and someones mother. 

I want to study Muslim Law, Physics and Math. I want to understand Islam as an entire social system and understand what went wrong and where. I need the people around me to be compassionate and learned and well aware. I want my children to grow up sitting through dining table discussions about politics and current events. I am too stupid and too naive to procreate at 22. 

I am so tired of getting high. I am so tired of getting drunk. Im so tired of being out of it. I am so tired of the mind numbing words that come out of your mouths. 

Stop trying to scare me into marriage by saying Ill die an old maid. Maybe I will. Maybe my bed will be cold and lonely but my mind will be alive. or maybe, Ill find someone just as crazy as I can get to warm my bed and stay up all night talking about evolution.  

Out of the 10 hookups 7 of them were out of pity. Most of em had just broken up. Or had been too fucked up to talk so they fucked with fickle emotions instead. You run after things you can’t have. He craved for music more than me and that made me run after him. He was crazy for this other girl when I was always there and of course I wanted him. This other one left his girl to be with me and I said no to him. It’s a circle of life. You fuck people over. Life fucks you over.


What kind of a friend lets his other friend walk from atrium to phase 6 in a city like karachi. I asked them for a ride home and they’re all giving me these pansy ass excuses about gas money and permission issues and not being able to stay out late. these people with their Mercs and their manservants, and their saturday drinking plans couldn’t go a little out of their way to drop me home and I told them you know what, its okay ill walk home, and they laughed at me, they were like bro its karachi, this is saddar- and I’m like, you really have the audacity to tell me that right now? and I walked- it took me an hour and a half and I was angry throughout the way, I was angry at myself for such poor decisions when it came to picking friends but my principals have always been above everyone, my dad used to say to me, sir kata daina lekin kabhi jhukana nahin. I’m not going to let some pansy ass grammar kid let me feel like I’m a fucking liability to them- i certainly have more pride than that- these kids don’t live in the real world, they think they have the best of both worlds. and unless you’re not living with your parents then you really don’t have much under your belt.
-July ‘12

The 2000s was the era where we’d see the same things everyday- and it looked like they’ll stay the same forever.
The Indian serials that didnt seem to have an end to them.
Musharraf’s regime didn’t seem like it was about to end anytime soon either.
School was the same bloody routine everyday.
Life had a set pattern to it.
And then now- there’s barely a day where things were the same as yesterday.
Mushy went into house arrest
The Indian soap characters are dead
And we’re struggling to keep up with school.
This is an era of not so constants.

I think that cow wants to be human. It wants to live long and smoke the joints.


While smoking THE joints.